Decisions

Every once in a while you need to take a break from your daily life and just enjoy your family. Thats what I did. After 9 months away from the kids and wife I took a vacation with them. Although it was too short it was fun. I baptized my oldest, I took the boys fishing, I spent time with the one person who probably understands me better than I understand my self, I cleaned the garage (ok well sorta maily re-arragned it) and I just relaxed. It was great. Until I had to return to where I work.

I like most in the world work because I have to, because if I don't I won't have another source of income and that would be bad. I will starve before my kids do. Just simply plain and put thats how it is. So with 1 year and some change left to go on this career. I ask myself where do I go next. The thought of going back to school is nice but that will only satisfy for some time. I have bills to pay and mouths to feed.

See unlike some I view life a little different. I believe I should be home with the wife and kids. To help in raising them not galavanting around the world. If you are reading this blog for the first time then you haven't figured out that fact that I am in the military and although retirement after 20 years of service is nice it doesn't pay the bills. In fact with an Autistic child that I have doesn't even come close to matching the bills. I know , I know join the club.

So what is it will I do, I don't know, still left undecided. Everyone says follow your dreams problems is that I can't follow my dreams. If I were to follow my dreams that would take me away from my family. Ok it won't take me completely away from them but will severely change the time I have with them.

It comes down to several things. When I was home on leave I got to watch my 3 year old and I tell you it was worth it. Not that the 5 year old and the 8 year old are not fun to watch. They just have their own routines. One is full blown autistic non-verbal and kind of set in his ways of what he does and the other being on the spectrum and has his own routine the repetitiveness can become rather well repetitive. ( I don't want to say boring cause they do some unique things it is just the same all the time because thats what they need) The 3 year old though is not autistic. if he is he is doing a good job of hiding it. He is growing day by day and by me actually going out and accomplishing that dream of mine I would be missing the on thing that I want. Watchng my boys grow day by day. Right now I miss it cause I am over 6K miles from them. Its life.

I know I will do what I have to when I retire from the military. It is just making that decision that is the hardest part. For when I make that decision to do what ever it is I will end up doing. I will have to continue with it. Some would say thats not the hard part. for me it is. Not braggin on myslef , I have a brain I can think, theroize, reason and yes I have the capability of understanding things on a wide spectrum. School is not that hard for me. The hard part for me is that when I decide to do something I immerse myself in that life until I exhaust every portion of it. Thats why the military has always been good for me there is always, always something to fix, change , or do. I think it is the starting over that is the part that is hitting me.

I have been doing the same thing pretty much for the past 20 years. Oh yeah added responsibilities etc. thats just part of the life and job. Yet it is that routine that has kept me in the boundaries of my life that I am losing and now will have to re-create and re-structure everything I say and do. How do you do that and not lose your mind?

I once told a young man to write his thoughts and theroies and putting them down on paper it will help him talk himself through any situation. (he was having trouble coping with a situation that occured in his life). It worked he was able to get through the situation and become a very productive member of soceity. Taking my own advice I have written my thoughts and theroies down and I have come to the conclusion of what must be done. No matter which way I spin it or try to make it better it is going to take precious time away from my family for a bit till all is worked out. Thats just what is going to have to happen. There is no other way around it.

A new chapter will be written in my life, and honestly don't know how it will actually be done. I just know where it will start. I guess the adventure will come in the coping and getting through it. I think my family is up for it after 5 years of being a recruiter and the 2 years I spending over here and my wife and family haven't left yet. I think they are going to be with me for a long time.